Sit down children, this here’s a long one. Last Monday I officially graduated from LCAD. Not as many showed as I expected, but it was a Monday. My family came so we had some sushi and a couple drinks afterwards. Later that night I decided to attend a party in San Clemente since my previous plans fell through. It was a pretty good one too. There was plenty of jack, beer, and munchies. So after giving myself enough time to sober up, I drove back to Torrance. Upon arriving home I noticed my cell phone was gone. Shit, it must’ve fallen out sometime that night. Unfortunately, I was unable to reach anyone because all their numbers were in my phone. The only thing I could do was email people and ask them if they’d seen it. After a couple days I got some replies, but no phone. If you’ve ever lost your phone you know how much it sucks. Plus, I keep getting phantom vibrations in my left leg where it use to be.

Moving on. If anyone else has Verizon, switch companies. When you lose your phone they make you file a police report before you can get another one. A bit of an overkill I believe. So yesterday I called the San Clemente PD to file the missing phone report, which I felt stupid about already. They told me that I needed to make the report with the Torrance PD since I live in Torrance, even though I lost the phone in San Clemente. So I followed directions like a good lemming, and went down to the Torrance station yesterday. In hindsight, it probably wasn’t a good idea to wear my George Jefferson “shut up honky” shirt, but I wasn’t about to dress up for something so stupid. The clerk at the desk talked down to me like I was an idiot for coming there. She told me I had to go to San Clemente and fill out a report with them. I explained how they told me to file the report at the Torrance station. She said “WRONG!”. I was done with that bitch, so I left and went home. I called the San Clemente PD and explained how much I hated everyone. Then they told me I had to file the report in Torrance and have the Torrance PD ship it to the San Clemente station. Well why the hell didn’t either station tell me to do that in the first place? Assholes.

Today I was determined to file the report for the stupid phone, and get everything over with. To the majority of readers who don’t know the geography of Torrance, here’s what you need to know. The Torrance Police Station is on Torrance blvd. Crenshaw, Prairie, and Hawthorne all run parallel to each other and all intersect Torrance blvd. Basically, I can get to the station in about 10 minutes by taking any of those three roads. So I was headed down Crenshaw and ran into heavy traffic at a road block which wouldn’t let anyone continue. Then I drove up to Prairie, only to find it too was blocked off at the same point. Remember, this is on a Saturday afternoon with horrible traffic and a blazing sun. I drove up further to Hawthorne, which wasn’t blocked off but was a virtual parking lot for taking the excess traffic from the blocked streets. I made it all the way down to Torrance blvd on Hawthorne only to find that Torrance blvd. is blocked off completely! By this time I was ready to strangle a dozen puppies. What should’ve taken me 10 minutes took me over an hour, only to find that reaching the police station was a physical impossibility. There weren’t any detour signs to give me warning either. Just a simple “Caution: You’re Fucked” sign would’ve sufficed. So after exhausting all possible routes to make a report, I dreaded making in the first place, I recklessly drove home. As soon as I got home I was asked if I ran into any traffic on account of the parade. Yeah, apparently there was a parade today, and no one thought it would’ve been a good thing to tell me. My best guess is that it was a Verizon wireless parade whose route was a never-ending circle around the police station.