Just to catch everyone up on trends: gay is the new straight, pink is the new black, Iran is the new Iraq, and Tom Cruise is the new Jesus. You might be saying, “What in the name of L. Ron Hubbard are you talking about?” Please, hold your blasphemy until after you read the article.

According to Scientology leaders, Tom Cruise is the new “Christ” of their religion, and he has been “chosen” to spread the word of Scientology throughout the world. David Miscavige, a leader in the church, believes that Cruise will be worshiped in the future much like Jesus is today (We’ll begin seeing his face in tortillas?). It was not mentioned whether John Travolta and Isaac Hayes will also be sharing in Cruise’s divinity status, creating a sort of Scientology holy trinity, or if they will simply be given lesser saintly roles. Perhaps Travolta could be the patron saint of illness, specializing in Saturday night fevers.

One of Cruise’s close friends said, “Tom has been told he is Scientology’s Christ-like figure. Like Christ, he’s been criticized for his views, but future generations will realize he was right.” Aside from being born to a virgin, giving up his worldly possessions, performing miracles, confronting a corrupt institution, preaching love and forgiveness, being resurrected from the dead after his crucifixion, and ascending into heaven, I suppose Cruise IS exactly like Jesus. Where do I send my check?

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