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Senator McCain visited his favorite Spring Break destination to heckle over rugs with merchants, who were probably executed by death squads after talking to him on suspicion of working with the occupiers. What really matters though is that McCain was safe enough to be able to successfully sell the merits of the war. He had 22 soldiers, Blackhawk helicopters, 10 armored Humvees, and 2 Apache gunships overhead to keep him company during his shopping experience.

Of course, McCain says that Baghdad is safe, so I’m sure he didn’t really need the entourage. The guy is an Army of one. He probably said to his fellow men and women in uniform, “Hey, I’m going out to get some chips. Does anybody want anything?” To which they gave him dozens of requests, but he didn’t have a pen so he was like; “Dude, you guys should just come with me cuz I can’t remember all that.”

Assistant Baghdad Bureau Chief Aasif Mandvi gives us some local insight into the visit. Mandvi suggests we stop being pussies and jump on the bountiful financial opportunities we’ve created in this unstable war zone.

Mandvi’s Money Quote: “You heard Congressman Pence say, ‘the marketplace here was just like Indiana in the summertime’. And it makes you realize what a hellacious shithole Indiana must be.”