Russian Federation President Vladimir “Man Hands” Putin astonished the global medical community last Tuesday when he cured all forms of cancer, using ingredients he found in the forest around his dacha.”I was going for a stroll in the woods,” the president told an astonished and admiring press, “When it occurred to me that cancer is a bad thing. It’s terrible, really. And I told myself, why should there be cancer? So I decided to cure it.”

While naturally secretive of the wonder drug’s exact ingredients, as it would be too much for a lesser mind to comprehend, Putin did say that it was made primarily of birch bark, nuts, berries, and Gummi bears.

“Mmmm,” said the president. Reporters nodded in agreement.

While truly a miraculous discovery that would change the face of human history, Putin believes very strongly in personal responsibility.

“This is why I decided to uncure cancer, shortly after curing it,” he said. “We cannot allow the world’s doctors to get fat and lazy. It would be unfair to the sick.” Reporters murmured in agreement.

The floor was then opened for questions from reporters, who were too stunned by Putin’s sheer brilliance and wisdom to say anything but express their admiration for the wonderful work he has been doing, in particular in the area of freedom of the press.

Putin smiled and blushed modestly, causing one reporter to faint when he glanced in her direction.