It’s been reported that 37-year-old Catherine Zeta-Jones uses truffles and liquefied Beluga caviar from Iran as a hair treatment at Hari’s celebrity salon in England. Her hair is washed with a truffle-based shampoo, then smeared with caviar flown in from Iran five days ahead of her visit. It’s claimed that the treatment is effective on dry or damaged hair and split ends due to the omega-3 fatty acids in the roe, which are necessary for building proteins.

Hari’s also practices other unconventional beauty remedies, such as bird dropping facials and bull semen hair treatments. If you get both done at the same time, you too can look like you just got off the set of a German porno. I think it’s obvious by now that the rich and famous have reversed the laws of nature. Everyone knows you’re suppose to get bird shit in your hair and semen facials.

For the great majority of the world, truffles and caviar may be too expensive to even eat, let alone use as shampoo, but for the rest of us super-elites, this exotic treatment is good news. I don’t want to give away all my secrets, but I’ve personally found that embryonic stem cells mixed with ground Javan Rhino horn does wonders for dandruff. And who can really put a price on good hair? For those lazy hobos who can’t afford it, I say “let them eat cake” (after I run it through my hair first).

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