First off, let me explain why we secular progressives call Christmas “X-Mas”. In our account, Jesus was understandably upset about being portrayed as a white man every year, so he rejected this label and took up “X” to replace it. We do celebrate on the same day as Christmas, and in much the same way. We do decorate a tree with strings of popcorn, except that our tree is still living, uncut, and devoid of lights. We also eat gingerbread men, except that ours are actually aborted fetuses and not gingerbread men at all. The tradition of the mistletoe is also the same except that you can only kiss someone of the same sex… oh, and instead of mistletoe we use a dub sack of marijuana. Otherwise, everything is exactly the same.

Anyway, on to my miracle…

X-Mas Eve seems to be the only time of the year when my tendency to procrastinate pays off. I actually left all of my X-Mas shopping to X-Mas Eve. This may sound foolish, and it would rightly be categorized as such had I run into a snag, but I didn’t. I have a deal with friends and family that if they don’t buy me anything, I will return the favor. EVERYONE takes me up on this offer, so the only ones left to shop for are the handful of consumer whores in the family we call children.

So yesterday I slept in, had a full breakfast, and read the news for a bit. At 2:30 pm I left the house, parked across the street from the mall parking lot (because I’m not THAT stupid), and power-walked my way towards my destinations. I was a man on a mission, able to complete all of my shopping the day before X-Mas in just under 20 minutes total. Yup, a stress-free holiday season with less than 20 minutes wasted taking on the role of consumer. Thank you baby Jeeb-us.

In conclusion, I hope you all have a Merry X-Mas (or a wonderful feast of Chinese food for my Jewish friends [that actually sounds really good right now]).