The Largest Minority

May 23rd, 2008 by Manila Ryce

• Karl Rove has been subpoenaed to testify to Congress about whether the White House had improper influence over the Justice Department. Bush has used executive privilege to block Congressional requests to interview his aides, so Rove is unlikely to comply with the subpoena. To counter this flagrant disregard for the law, Congress has decided to fight fire with fire by flagrantly disregard public opinion and NOT impeaching the president. Take that America!
• Daniel Burd, an 11th grade student in Canada, has discovered the strain of bacteria most effective in breaking down plastics through experimentation. In a very high bacterial concentration, at 37 degrees, with a bit of sodium acetate thrown in, Burds achieved 43% degradation of a plastic within six weeks. Cosmetically-altered women of the world are quarantining themselves in fear that if the bacteria is released into the wild they may slowly melt like the Wicked Witch of the West.
• Iraq has now become one of the largest purchasers of arms from the United States with some $3 billion worth of equipment ordered in the past year. Oh, you thought this was just about oil? Allow us to establish more US businesses in the name of spreading freedom, and they’ll be the largest purchasers of malt liquor soon too.
• Chinese policewoman Jiang Xiaojuan, has taken the position of wet nurse for infants who had lost their mothers following the 7.9 magnitude earthquake in China. Officer Jiang says “It is a mother’s reaction, and a basic duty as a police officer to help.” At one point, Jiang was feeding 9 babies. She’s been proclaimed by a local newspaper as “China’s Mother No. 1”, and I’m not even phrase inventing that for funny laughter response.
• Ellen DeGeneres nails John McCain, and not in the legal way in which only a man and woman are allowed to nail each other.

May 15th, 2008 by Manila Ryce

• A new report released by the Council on Foreign Relations states that the United States’ 150-year-grip on Latin America has ended, and that the US should “engage Latin America on its own terms”.
• The United States Navy has announced that it will reactivate its Fourth Fleet to patrol Latin American waters. The fleet was deactivated at the end of WWII, and the increased US presence is seen as a hostile response to recent electoral victories in Latin America which have put leftist indigenous movements in power. Hmmm, kind of contradicts the suggestions in the CFR report above doesn’t it?
• Italian Premier Silvio Berlusconi has been ordered to testify in a case involving the kidnapping of a terror suspect during a US Central Intelligence Agency extraordinary rendition program.
• The Lebanese Army’s Deputy Chief Intelligence Brigadier General Ghassan Balaa, along with 40 other military officers loyal to the government, has resigned in protest at “the way the military handled the latest violence in Lebanon.” Their resignations, however, were reportedly rejected by the Army Chief General.
• A US military press conference last week had to be canceled at the last minute when it was discovered that the explosives discovered in the Iraqi city of Karbala, which were to be presented as undeniable proof that Iran backs Iraqi Militias, were not of Iranian origin after all. The media event was canceled, the US military was left with a hard-on, and Iran is now officially classified by the Bush administration as “a tease”.
• The US military shelling of the Palestine Hotel in Baghdad, which killed two international journalists in 2003, was the result of the hotel being listed as a “possible target” by US troops rather than an accidental incident, says Retired Army Sgt. Adrienne Kinne.
• Lance Armstrong holds two balls for cancer awareness.

May 2nd, 2008 by Manila Ryce

• BuelahMan is having surgery today. Wish him well.
• So-called white liberals can’t help but love a black candidate who allows them to unload a few history-books-worth of white guilt with the knowledge that they now support a nice colored fella who won’t step out of line and finds angry black preachers as crazy as they do. If this sudden love affair hasn’t been enough to sound your alarm yet, then Chris Hedges can also explain why Corporate America Hearts Obama.
• BlueGal is giving me permission not to blog every single day in May, so suck it.
• Apparently ethanol isn’t such a good thing. Who knew? Um, well besides you, me, and just about any well-informed person without an agenda to push? Our friend at BoRev has posted some of the more idiotic pro-ethanol statements from the not-too-distant past. If there weren’t a food crisis partially due to these fucks they’d be eating humble pie.
• A team at Hewlett-Packard has proven that a fourth type of electrical circuit, called memory resistor, exists. A computer incorporating this circuit will never have to boot up. What this will do for porn, I’m still unsure, but it seems cool nonetheless.
• Don’t know how to identify a transvestite? The penis may be a clue, but if your tranny is resourceful enough to manage tucking it under without sitting on his balls then Asylum has a full list of other things to look for when you bring an Amazon home from that poorly-lit 80’s club near the beach.

April 18th, 2008 by Manila Ryce

• Remember the 15 heroic British sailors who were captured by the evil Iranians when they were clearly in Iraqi territory? Well it turns out that newly released documents show that the sailors were indeed in disputed waters, and not in Iraqi waters as the government publicly claimed. And to think that the media and certain political leaders wanted to go to war over this. The Iranian propaganda wasn’t propaganda at all, but the British news conferences were. Does Hallmark make “sorry we considered nuking you because we couldn’t admit our mistake” cards?
• Blue Gal has advice for you aspiring bloggers who think the blogging life is all about loose women and cocaine parties. Well it is if you’re a conservative Pammy-type blogger. You liberals however will need to rely on something other than your MILFability and mean-spiritedness to attract lonely men to your oh-so-enlightened view on politics. Once you figure out what that is, let me know.
• According to newly released Pentagon documents, US military interrogators forced detainees in Afghanistan to kneel outdoors in wet clothing while they were punched and kicked in the kidneys, nose, and knees if they moved. The documents, which were turned over to the ACLU, focus on the death of Afghan detainee Jamal Nasser, who died under this treatment which the Army concluded in 2006 did not constitute abuse.
• The US government plans to collect DNA samples from any person arrested by a federal law enforcement agency, whether or not the person arrested is guilty of committing a crime. Congress approved the policy in 2005 and 2006. If they want my DNA they’ll have to get it the old-fashioned way – with a couple shots of tequila and promises of a landing me that modeling audition.
• The World Socialist deconstructs the common fallacies found in your typical “socialism is fascism” rant. WSM are saints for even taking the time to attempt to educate someone who seems too far gone. When I’m confronted with the same long-winded rant, I often forward them naked pictures of myself in reply. Most of the time that tactic is successful in getting them to leave me alone… most of the time.

April 16th, 2008 by Manila Ryce

• Years ago, the West overthrew democratically-elected president Aristide of Haiti for the benefit of an elite ruling class. Now UN soldiers are firing rubber bullets and tear gas to disperse crowds of hungry people in order to protect the installed Haitian president from democracy. I wonder how much food the money for those bullets and tear gas could have bought instead. On an awesome note, President Hugo Chavez has sent a fleet of airplanes carrying 364 tons of food to Haiti.
• “Something, something, something, Dark Side” was all Ratzi said before lightning shot out of his fingertips.
• The free ride is over Iraqis! Democrats like Bill Nelson, Carl Levin, and Evan Bayh are drafting legislation to force you to pay for our ongoing war and occupation with what little oil revenues are left after your industry is privatized. Wait, since when were WE owed reparations from the Iraqis? The inflated services of war profiteers like Halliburton will be a heavy burden purposefully imposed to keep Iraq under subjugation. I think the Democrats are confused. Our problem with the war isn’t that it’s too costly, it’s that it’s still fucking going on.
• Researchers injecting patients with anti-arthritic drugs have found that the treatment reduces the symptoms of Alzheimer’s in minutes and gave a 90 percent respond rate to their trials of 50 patients in a private clinic. This is some of the best news in recent memory… maybe… I can’t remember.
• In an attempt to break perceptions by showing that Muslim women can be “independent and modern”, Time Magazine has an online photo-essay of Muslim women from all walks of life in their hijabs. Well, how else would you know they’re Muslim if they weren’t wearing hijabs as they broke those stereotypes?

April 14th, 2008 by Manila Ryce

• I’m not sure if the corporate media has covered this at all, but apparently Barack Obama said people living in small towns are bitter. Hmmm, I just wish someone had the guts to make a big deal out of this and exploit it for all it’s worth. Oh, thank God Republicans have anti-elitist Hillary on their side when that inexperienced black guy gets too uppity.
• By taking carbon dioxide from smokestacks, scientists hope to turn this greenhouse gas into raw materials for plastic products within a few years. This isn’t really a solution to global warming as it encourages us to make more plastic waste and keeps us dependent on fossil fuels, but at least it’ll buy us more time to contemplate our slow deaths.
• In a non-story about a gold AK-47 pendant Alicia Keys wears around her neck, the Associated Press via Yahoo dismisses her statement that the government has taken measures “to stop another great black leader from existing” by identifying it as a “conspiracy theory” right in the title of the article. Apparently the AP is unaware of Cointelpro, that Fred Hampton was shot by police as he slept, or that Malcolm X and MLK were both assassinated once their causes turned from civil rights to human rights.
• Speaking of top notch journalism, Edward Schumacher-Matos insists that Colombian President Alvaro Uribe is really just a misunderstood sweetheart who happens to enjoy killing people once in a while.
• A coalition helicopter dropped food and weapons, meant for police controlling a checkpoint in Afghanistan, near Taliban fighters instead. The disclosure of this mistake comes after a member of parliament accused coalition forces of arming the Taliban. C’mon, like we’ve ever armed radical militants, especially the Taliban, before.
• On a completely unrelated note, I’d say this cat is Garfield if Garfield had ever made me laugh.

April 11th, 2008 by Manila Ryce

• Israel’s latest incursion into Gaza has killed 8 civilians thus far, 4 of which are children. Israeli tanks entered Gaza earlier today, accompanied by bulldozers and two assault helicopters. The latest deaths bring the number of Palestinians killed by Israeli strikes since the Annapolis meetings to 385. Israel’s strategy to establish peace in the region mirrors the strategy employed by America in Iraq, kill everyone and violence is bound to drop along with population levels.
• NWA had a song called “I ain’t the one”.
• Happy Coup Day everyone! April 11th marks the day in 2002 when we brought democracy to Venezuela until the locals ruined it by re-installing Sean Penn’s coke buddy after 47 hours. On a related note, the head of the Organization of American States told Congress yesterday that no link between the Venezuelan government and FARC rebels exists despite our insistence to the contrary. Those damn facts ruin everything. Next thing you know they’ll be telling us Iran didn’t threaten to wipe Israel off the map.
• In an Absolut World, xenophobes would stop being outraged over ads which remind us of the historical fact that the United States illegally invaded Mexico and took half of their land. Oh, and Ricky Gervais would sell every product.

April 10th, 2008 by Manila Ryce

• The Chinese guards escorting the Olympic flame on its tour have been revealed to be elite members of the People’s Armed Police. PAP is a 660,000-strong internal paramilitary force which is still deployed to crush dissent in Tibet, and is now doing the same in countries hosting the torch. Perhaps we can use this precedent to get Mossad to police our next pro-Palestinian protest.
• Results from a study utilizing computer modeling have predicted that regional nuclear exchanges could decimate the ozone layer as an unwanted side effect. In a related study, researchers discovered that inhaling large amounts of anthrax could result in a sore throat as an unwanted side effect.
• Researchers have developed a candy called CaviStat that helps fight tooth decay by mimicking a component in saliva which neutralizes acids in the mouth. To compete, Colgate is developing a new toothpaste which causes your teeth to fall out. Yes, it’s made in China.
• Five poll officials have been arrested for fraud and criminal abuse of duty in Zimbabwe for allegedly undercounting votes for President Mugabe. The Mugabe government refuses to release the results of the election because that’s what you do when you win.
• Flagler Productions, a video production company that recorded Wal-Mart’s corporate meetings over three decades, is now putting their videos up for sale after Wal-Mart abruptly ended their agreement. Featured on the videos is everything from union-bashing to cross-dressing. Wal-Mart says it doesn’t think there will be much interest in the videos. Now that’s some wishful thinking. Hillary served on their board of directors for six years. You better believe these videos will be of interest in an election year. I hear the scenes of Bosnian sniper fire are amazing.