The Largest Minority

June 26th, 2007 by Manila Ryce

• EU citizens will now have to give ten digital fingerprints when entering the United States, regardless of whether or not they have a visa. P.T. Wright, director of operations at the Department of Homeland Security’s US-VISIT Program, stated; “What we have encountered in the last four years is improved security as well as greater facilitation of the traveler coming to the United States. It’s a very quick and simple scan of the fingers.” For those of you who actually believe we have improved security because we haven’t had another 9/11, I have a rock I’m selling which keeps tigers away.
• Free speech that advocates illegal drug use has been restricted by the Supreme Court. The Supreme Court heard an appeal from an Alaska school board which allowed the civil rights case of a high school student who held a controversial banner as the 2002 Olympic torch came through Juneau. The 14-foot banner held out by Joseph Frederick, which read “Bong Hits 4 Jesus,” was deemed in violation of his school’s policy. Though off school property, his principal crossed the street, crumpled the banner, and suspended him for 10 days. Good ol’ Kenneth Starr represented the school for free. The Supreme Court has ruled 5-4 against Frederick. The boy’s father, Frank, was fired in connection with his son’s case, but took his employer to court and was awarded $200,000 by a jury. So there you have it folks. The First Amendment no longer applies to unpopular speech.
• In England, Judge Julian Hall gave 25-year-old Keith Fenn a mere 2 year prison sentence after Fenn admitted to raping a 10-year-old girl. The judge’s excuse for the lenient ruling was given because, “She liked to dress provocatively” and “She looked 16.” With time served, the rapist’s sentence will be lessened to 4 months. Fenn said he had sex with the girl twice and his accomplice, Darren Wright, 34, walked free after receiving a sentence of 9 months. Judge Hall had caused fury earlier this year by freeing another pedophile, telling him to simply buy his 6-year-old victim a new bicycle. Regardless of his actual age, I think Judge Hall “looks old enough” for forced retirement.
• An audio message from captured Israeli soldier Gilad Shalit, was released by Hamas. Shalit has been held hostage for a year by his captors, who want the release of several hundred Palestinians detained in Israeli jails. Palestinians are often detained and mistreated for long periods of time without charges being brought against them. Shalit said in the tape that his health was deteriorating, and that he needed “an extended period in hospital”. He also expressed disappointment that the Israeli government “has not shown more interest” in meeting the demands of his captors. In another story, Israeli Prime Minister Olmert has agreed, at the Egyptian summit, to release 250 Palestinians. However, only Fatah members will be released, and only to President Abbas. Yeah, what a dick. Hamas was unimpressed with the summit, saying Fatah was chasing a mirage. Mushir al-Masri, a member of the Hamas majority, said; “It is surprising that at a time when Abbas has shut the door on talks with Hamas he is running and begging for a meeting with Olmert.”
• As part of a government plan, Australian Prime Minister John Howard has placed a ban on alcohol and hardcore pornography in aboriginal communities with the worst records of child sexual abuse. Australian police, backed by soldiers, have begun deploying in Aboriginal areas to enforce the ban. Aborigines under 16 will also be subject to compulsory medical checks. A report by the Australian government has blamed the high levels of child sexual abuse in aboriginal communities on a culture of violence and substance abuse amongst Aborigines. Wait, wasn’t it the Aborigines who were ethnically cleansed by a violent European culture which used much of their land for penal colonies?
• CNN has dumped a scheduled interview with Michael Moore on Larry King Live, in favor of scoring the first post-jail interview with Paris Hilton. I hope her publicist wrote Larry some tough questions. Moore would have discussed his new healthcare film, Sicko. Instead, Hilton will discuss how difficult it is to be rich, white, and famous. Moore’s new film can be seen this Friday in theaters nationwide, while Paris’ film can currently be seen on websites worldwide.

June 12th, 2007 by Manila Ryce

• Eight Afghan police were killed after exchanging fire with US soldiers they thought were Taliban. The shooting occurred in the remote eastern province of Nangarhar, at a police checkpoint in the region. The amount of “friendly fire” incidents carried out by coalition forces recently prompted the upper house of Afghanistan’s parliament to pass a resolution to prohibit foreign soldiers from launching military action unless they are attacked first or have consulted Afghan officials. However, US officials have said they are wary of telling Afghanis about nighttime raids, like the kind being conducted early Tuesday, out of fear that the target might be tipped off. Apparently there’s no need to tell the Afghan government what operations you’re carrying out in their own country. One of the police survivors said, “I thought they were Taliban, and we shouted at them to stop, but they came closer and they opened fire.”
• Official Olympic merchandise makers for the 2008 Beijing Olympics have been using child labor, unpaid overtime, low wages, and other inhumane practices to increase profits. Four Chinese factories were slammed by Playfair, a global group of trade unions, for “severe workers’ rights violations”. The factories are all licensed by the International Olympic Committee. All four deny the report, saying they care about sourcing being done ethically, and that China does not allow child labor. No, of course not. Why would anyone think that? Likewise, “America doesn’t torture”.
• A plan considered by the Pentagon, called the “pink bomb,” has been uncovered. The weapon would’ve released chemicals to turn the enemy gay, making them less concerned with fighting. No, I’m not making this up. The plan was to have a bomb with chemicals “that would cause enemy soldiers to become gay, and to have their units break down because all their soldiers became irresistibly attractive to one another.” Well, of course. We all know this is why openly gay soldiers aren’t allowed to serve in the military; because they’d all start humping each other in the middle of the battlefield. Unfortunately, the military says they’ve since abandoned the fabulous idea.
• Three different scientific groups have reported success in changing normal stem cells into embryonic stem cells in mice by using a simple procedure for the reprogramming. Testing has now begun on human stem cells. The moral quibbles of using abandoned or cloned embryos may be a thing of the past. The new technique was pioneered at Kyoto University by Shinya Yamanaka, who has never used eggs or embryos in his research. Yamanaka transfers four genes into fibroblast cells, each containing specific proteins. The proteins then stimulate other genes, which then allow the cells to become any body cell. Hans Schöler, a stem-cell specialist, said; “It’s unbelievable, just amazing. It’s like Dolly. It’s that type of accomplishment.”
• If you’re saying, “Manila, we know what you think about the world, but what don’t you think?” Well, Traitor Joe is a great representative of everything I disagree with. He’s even worse than Hillary Clinton. Every time he opens his mouth, it’s like hearing me speak on Opposite Day. For example, I would say that there is no evidence of nuclear weapons development in Iran, that a military strike against them is reckless and immoral, and that the bulk of insurgents in Iraq are a local resistance with most foreign influence coming from our own Sunni allies. Traitor Joe opposes these facts, and that’s why AIPAC elected him.
• Speaking of the atrocities of far-right Israeli warmongers, Raising Yousuf is a great blog documenting the struggle of a Palestinian journalist raising her son in Gaza. I suggest you check it out, and get a feel for the kind of daily terror Mr. Lieberman supports.

June 6th, 2007 by Manila Ryce

• Former anchor Bernard Shaw, who retired in 2001, was the face of CNN. When asked what he thought of CNN now, Shaw was less than proud of the network he helped create. “When anchors are reporting the news, they should report the news and allow the viewers at home to decide what they think about issues. I don’t want to hear an anchor’s personal opinion about anything. Just report the news.” He continued, “But CNN continues to ape many of the on-air mannerisms of the Fox News Network, and I don’t like that.” Ouch, comparing CNN to Fox News is harsh coming from a former employee. I have a feeling that if Shaw sees the most recent presidential debates he’ll kill Wolf Blitzer with his bare hands live on TV, then sit down and report the events of the murder in a straight-forward manner.
• As you well know, Scooter Libby was sentenced to 2 1/2 years in prison and a $250,000 fine for lying and obstructing a CIA leak investigation concerning the justification for war. That makes Libby, the former chief of staff to vice president Cheney, the highest-ranking White House official to face a jail sentence since the Iran-Contra affair almost 20 years ago. The Next Hurrah gives us some top notch reporting on the case, via C&L, including Bush’s involvement. Poor Bush. He’s going to have so many people to pardon.
• Rather than move everyone to Canada, a fairly large percentage of residents in Vermont are considering secession from the union in order to form their own country. They plan to persuade the state legislature to declare themselves “The Second Vermont Republic.” A University of Vermont poll indicates that 13% are in favor of secession. I’ve been in favor of my own state seceding for years. My only beef with Vermont’s plan is that their proposed flag is just too damn ugly. It looks like the American flag if the American flag replaced its red and white stripes with golf course grass. Sorry Vermont, you’re obviously not ready to handle this responsibility.
• Blair is now determined to use that English charm, which worked so well in influencing the White House’s war policy, to convince Bush to adopt a “substantial cut” in greenhouse gases within a framework sanctioned by the UN. That shouldn’t be a problem at all. We all know how much the administration loves to work with the UN. It seems Blair is trying desperately to change his legacy from the failure on the war to a potential success on climate change. Good luck Blair. I have no idea how he plans on doing it, but I’m sure it involves a trick with his tongue he learned in boarding school.
• Speaking of which, this is why I love Sarah Silverman.

June 4th, 2007 by Manila Ryce

• The FDA is allowing medical researchers to experiment at will on those seeking emergency medical treatment without their knowledge or consent. There is little to no oversight as to who is worked on and what is done. The only requirement for researchers is that they make prior public disclosures of their activities. A posting on Craigslist is considered legally sufficient. Some, if not all, patients will be automatically enrolled in research studies unless they opt out in advance. To opt out, you must know which study administrators to contact, request a special bracelet, and wear that bracelet at the time of treatment. So next time you decide to get into a car accident, be sure to follow the steps above before doing so.
• Henry Forse’s campaign leaflets have a large footer which reads, “Vote Forse,” followed by an X. However, many see the phrase as reading “Vote for sex” (photo of the leaflet available at source). Forse was embarrassed at first, but has decided to continue passing out the leaflets in the hope that the message will win him more votes. However, Forse is still trailing behind Mrs. Handjobsforeveryone.
• A Boston mall was evacuated after employees at a Bank of America in the shopping center received a garbled fax along with a suspicious package. The fax, actually sent from Bank of America’s corporate offices, displayed a timer and hand lighting a bomb. Missing from the fax were the words “The Countdown Begins” in reference to Small Business Commitment Week. Some of the other branches which received the fax were also evacuated. Employees were not only alarmed by the threat itself, but by the fact that it was coming from 10 years in the past, when fax machines were still in use.
• The architecture company designing the US embassy in Iraq posted some images online of what the building will look like. The plans showed where many of the structures were going to be placed, including the volleyball court, swimming pool, recreation center, and ambassador’s and deputy ambassador’s residences. At the request of the US State Department, the images were removed from the website before they could divulge the location of the Faberge egg collection. If Iraqis dying of disease and starvation really want to see the lavish interior of the embassy they’ll have to wait for it to be featured on “Cribs” just like everyone else.
• If you want our next president to be smarter than a fifth grader, perhaps you ought not vote for Mrs. Clinton (and I’m not just saying that because she’s a patronizing whore). While speaking to Silicon Valley executives, Hillary stood in front of a giant misspelled banner reading “New Jobs for Tommorrow”. Despite her well-known conservative stance towards immigration, Hillary said she wanted to increase the number of H1B visas for highly educated workers. I actually support Mrs. Clinton on this one. Hillary needs more immigrants on her campaign who will spell the words Americans can’t.

May 29th, 2007 by Manila Ryce

• In Venezuela, RCTV has complied with government orders and stopped broadcasting. RCTV played an instrumental role in the 2002 coup that briefly removed Chavez from power. FAIR gives us the truth behind this story with, “Coup Co-Conspirators as Free-Speech Martyrs”. As usual, the US media is framing the matter as one of censorship. One reporter on CNN even falsely claimed that RCTV is being shut down simply because President Chávez is “not a big fan of it.” Our media has completely overlooked the fact that some journalists at RCTV were on the payroll of the US State Department, or that the station falsified reports to demonize Chavez and his ministers. RCTV also failed repeatedly to declare its taxes, and would have been denied its broadcasting license long ago in other democratic nations.
• Switzerland, the country known for its neutrality, cheese, windmills, army knives, and instant hot chocolate packets, may also be known for its bigotry (already popularized by the Mohammed cartoons). Though Switzerland has no official religion, a nationwide initiative is being proposed to ban minarets, the spires on a mosque from which the call to prayer is made. This ban goes against the Swiss constitution, which guarantees religious freedom. No such architectural restrictions are placed on Christian churches or Jewish temples. Perhaps Swiss Muslims can get around this by having an automated bird sing the call to prayer, like in a cuckoo clock. Yes, I’m a problem solver.
• Russia has announced the successful launch of a new intercontinental ballistic missile (ICBM) capable of carrying multiple warheads, and that the ICBM could break through any defense system. Russia has stated that they will respond heavily if the US goes ahead with plans to set up a missile defense system in Europe. First Deputy Prime Minister Sergei Ivanov said to local press: “As of today, Russia has new [missiles] that are capable of overcoming any existing or future missile defense systems.” If the weapon fails at beating any future system, the Russians have installed a sign over Lenin’s coffin saying, “break glass in case of emergency.”
• BBC journalist Alan Johnston was kidnapped on March 12th. Israel immediately blamed the kidnapping on the “Army of Islam,” saying it was the same group who abducted Gilad Shalit. The Army of Islam denied those accusations. Both Hamas and Fatah have continuously denounced the kidnapping and asked Johnston be released. Now a tape supposedly from the Army of Islam claims responsibility for the kidnapping, and demands the release of Abu Qatada in exchange for Johnston. There has not been enough evidence to bring Qatada to trial, who’s been held since the 2005 London bombings, but that hasn’t stopped the British government from calling him a “significant international terrorist”. Usually, a group like the Army of Islam would immediately claim responsibility and state their demands for everyone to know. Why is this only happening now? It’s also worth mentioning that the authenticity of the tape could not be verified. Does anyone else find it odd that a pro-Palestinian reporter would be silenced by a Palestinian group?
• The Japanese are incredibly mean. They’ve mastered the art of torture.

May 22nd, 2007 by Manila Ryce

• Australian citizen David Hicks, who spent five years in Gitmo, was returned to his country on Saturday to spend the remaining seven months of his unlawful sentence in prison. Hicks is obviously happy to be home, where torture is not standard procedure. It turns out he was originally detained because US officials interpreted the following lyrics by Men at Work as proof that everyone from Australia is a terrorist: “Do you come from a land down under? … You better run, you better take cover.” Okay, that’s not the real reason, but it is sadly believable.
• After reading on Friday that Zimbabwe’s inflation had risen to 3,721.9% (nearly up to 4,000% percent currently), you might think that now would not be the best time to waste money when shortages of fuel, food, and electricity threaten the lives of every citizen. Then again you’re not President Mugabe, who is building a $4 million museum dedicated to himself. The floor area will be the size of a football field to showcase a number of gifts Mugabe has received during his 27 year reign. Zimbabwe has an 80% unemployment rate. Hey, maybe they can all get jobs at the museum! Brilliantly played Mugabe.
• Antarctica’s Southern Ocean is becoming increasingly unable to absorb the atmosphere’s carbon dioxide. The Southern Ocean absorbs up to 15 percent of all the carbon dioxide put into the atmosphere, and complete saturation means a further acceleration of global warming. “This is serious,” said a researcher. “Since the early 1980s the carbon sink hasn’t changed. In the same period emissions have gone up by 43 per cent.” The bad news is: rising carbon dioxide levels make water too acidic for marine life to develop protective shells. The good news is: we won’t have to peel shrimp anymore before we eat them. The other bad news is: I lied about there being good news.
• Christian, Jewish, and Muslim leaders are all urging President Bush and Congress to take action against global warming, as they believe it is a “moral and spiritual issue”. Wait, isn’t President Bush the leader of the Christians? Oh, I’m so confused now. Pretty soon they’ll be telling us Al Sharpton isn’t the leader of all black people. More than 20 religious groups, including top officials of the National Council of Churches, the Islamic Society of North America, and the political arm of the Reform branch of Judaism, have published a letter today in two Capitol Hill newspapers urging the US to limit greenhouse gas emissions and invest in renewable energy. Thanks to PapaFigue for the story.
• BlueGal is a bit overwhelmed with the responsibility of voting for only 1 out of 10 possible campaign songs for Hillary Clinton. She’s posted the video detailing the mission, should we choose to accept it, on her blog. In my opinion, this is far too important a choice to be given to the American people. Luckily, Davis Fleetwood is here to calm some nerves and offer his advice. ”20 years ago, what were they thinking? 20 years from now, what will they be asking? Will they be asking?”
• Closing out the Connect, the folks at Best Week Ever have created an ode to Carlton Banks and his extensive dance career. If you’re not fully unaware of the greatness which is Alfonso Ribeiro then prepare to be shocked and awed. h/t Gorillamask

May 18th, 2007 by Manila Ryce

• Hong Kong’s Television and Entertainment Licensing authority has received 838 complaints from residents saying that the Bible should be reclassified as ‘indecent’ because of its sexual and violent content. The sexual and violent content in the Bible “far exceeds” that of a recent sex column published in the Chinese University’s “Student Press” magazine, which was itself classified as indecent by the Obscene Articles Tribunal. The residents are intent on challenging the issue of social morality and double standards of authorities over free speech. If this classification is placed on the Bible then only people over 18 will be allowed to read it. Hey, Jerry Falwell read the Bible and look at what happened to him. There ought to be a warning that says it causes death. I’m kidding of course. Falwell never read the Bible.
• Thanks to President Mugabe, crumbs are all that’s left of the “breadbasket” of Africa. Zimbabwe’s inflation has risen by 3,721.9%. Experts predict that the prices of fuel, food, electricity, and transport will only make things worse. The country is experiencing bread and flour shortages. Only 10% of the winter wheat crop has been planted due to fuel and fertilizer shortages. The country will also have to import maize because of poor domestic production. Four out of five Zimbabweans live below the bread line.
• Speaking of food, fruit giants Chiquita, Dole, and Del Monte have made regular payments to illegal Colombian right-wing militias for their services of union busting, assassination, and murdering thousands of civilians. Dole said the accusations were untrue while Del Monte did not return phone calls. Chiquita, however, did admit that its subsidiary Banadex had paid such militias. Despite the fact that we trained many of their members, right-wing paramilitaries were listed as “foreign terrorists organizations” by the US over 6 years ago and are believed to have been responsible for over 10,000 deaths. Well, now you have three more companies to boycott if you weren’t already.
• Saul Anuzis, chairman of the Michigan Republican Party, will be circulating a petition to ban Ron Paul, the only rational Republican candidate, from participating in future Republican Party Debates. Anuzis says the reason is for insinuating that US foreign policy was at least partially responsible for 9/11, which drew anger from the other candidates. Heaven forbid something actually be debated at a debate! Perhaps we ought to ban any candidate who actually believes what they say. Democracy is dangerous when you have more than one viewpoint to choose from.
• Sure, your computer gives you porn, but for you to really connect with it on an intimate level it needs to dish out some degree of denigration. For that reason, Google has unleashed their new Google Smartass, now with 30 percent more belittlement!

May 16th, 2007 by Manila Ryce

• Our poo-flinging friends over at Monkey Muck were able to get Swedish film director Ingmar Bergman to give his commentary on the second Republican Debate. Ron Paul and the Pineapple of Forgiveness never had it so good. Perhaps the Great Pumpkin will make an appearance at the last debate of the year. Now is not the season. Also, feel free to rant along with their displeasure over Lt. Gen. Douglas Lute becoming the first human shield to take the “war czar” job position.
• Wolfowitz is being charged with breaking the rules of the World Bank by a committee of 7 of the bank’s 24 board members. The committee said that breaking the bank’s policy of conflicting interests was “a manifestation of an attitude in which Mr. Wolfowitz saw himself as the outsider to whom the established rules and standards did not apply.” Oh snap! If they’re hoping this pressure will force The Wolfster to leave on his own they obviously don’t know Bush’s friends very well. I once invited Condi over to a cocktail party and she was the very last to leave. Well, I’m going to bed now so uh… turn down the volume on the television and uh… I guess I’ll see you later.
• They say the first casualty of war is the truth. In keeping with that statement, the Iraqi Interior Ministry has announced that news cameramen and photographers will no longer be permitted at the site of bomb attacks. The ministry is justifying this infringement on freedom of the press as a matter of security. My God, we’ve taught them well. They insist that the ban is to prevent those responsible for the bombings from learning how successful they were, to prevent evidence being disturbed, and out of respect for the victims and families. Iraq has previously banned journalists from parliamentary sessions so that contradictory statements could not be reported, and threatened to sue journalists who do not modify their stories when ordered to do so.
• The Democratic Party is the party that cares about the struggling lower class of America. In fact, the people of Denver will be able to verify that personally with Hillary Clinton as she bolts through their city in her diamond-studded rickshaw. The city is opening an emergency shelter to hide the homeless while the Democratic National Convention is in town in 2008. Of course, Denver’s manager of human services claims that the effort is not being done to present a better image of the city, but done to… wait for it… lessen security concerns! I guess the homeless haven’t been a problem ever since “9/11 changed everything.”
• Retired AT&T technician Mark Klein is in a legal battle between his old employer and privacy rights group EFF. Klein is responsible for blowing the whistle on the US government’s attempts to spy on Internet traffic without court authorization. 5 master complaints are currently going through the federal court system with an appeal from AT&T to be heard this summer. In an interview, Klein told how AT&T built a network that split fiber-optic backbones into a secret room with monitoring equipment, and provided internal documentation that corroborated his claims. Me thinks someone is going to have an unfortunate accident. Too bad his wife isn’t a CIA agent too.
• Operation Ore, a program designed to identify people downloading child pornography, has falsely accused people who were the victims of identity theft. Victim Simon Bunce said, “Thirty-nine people committed suicide after being accused of what I was accused of. I reacted in a different way. I investigated it diligently and I established I was the victim of credit card fraud,” he said. Oops. We only wanted the real pedophiles to commit suicide. Who would’ve though that this could backfire?
• Gap has unveiled their new line of clothing sewn “for kids, by kids“. It’s amazing to see what such little fingers can accomplish. Simply adorable.